Rambles and Silliness

02 March - (nsfw)

apparently randomly getting horrible anxiety over everything i've ever looked at and drawn that's nsfw and wanting to destroy all of it is NOT normal.
I've most been thinking about this after seeing an artist I follow document their own experiences with anxiety and shame around it. I have this constant fear of being bad or looking bad or accidentally doing the wrong thing that it's been eating away at me for so long (years atp)
since i got outta school I've finally been able to recognize these thoughts and patterns which is great and all but they've also become more prevalent because of it...
I've had these issues since I was uhh, 9 or 10? My early internet access and childhood trauma definitely didn't help in making me extremely ashamed of being sexual, while also having it surround my life. I'm not sex-repulsed, if anything I'm hypersexual (although I think that term brings more shame than it does actually help people identify themselves because having a "hyper" libido isn't actually a problem it's the distress of how it affects your life more so). Yet I life in constant worry.
I guess it's also moral OCD and ... those other ones i'm not naming, but for most of my life I have lived in a constant state of "oh god oh fuck they're gonna find out" or "oh god oh fuck something bad is gonna happen and it's all my fault"
I've had to learn over time that 1. this is not normal lmao and 2. that I deserve to be treated as human regardless of my thoughts.
I can't let the possible judgement of others dictate how I live MY life, if i do I'd never do fucking ANYTHINNGGGG!!!!!! I'm basically in almost every bad book you can get to some people, and there's no way I can change that. I just need to live life knowing that they can just be wrong about me and that's fine!! I know who I am!!
ofcourse this is all good to think until I'm frantically deleting anything sexual I have on any device of mine out of fear of what it says about me... but progress is slow I suppose.
I'm going to therapy on tuesday, I really hope I can get this sorted or atleast start to be kinder to myself. edit: even post writing this i have an overwhelming urge to delete it along with all my socials

05 January - The times they are a changeling

My first ever year of true adulthood... wow. I truly never thought I'd see this day, but it's finally my time. I've already noticed a cleared difference in my energy levels and motiation to create. I've been getting into mixed media again !! It's been so amazing, freeing, but also vindicating, knowing that is WAS the education system holding me back! I never thought I'd see a time where I draw 10 times in a day again. I also have a fursuit partial I made and 2 boyfriends now uhm. Yeah I guess you could say I had a hectic December XD
I'm really trying to get back into my groove and find my place, but I have a whole life ahead on me and that's amazing :)

25 August - We are pinkiedash

How do I explaib to my boyfriend the way he addresses loss is the same as rainbow dash and the paralells between our lives and these ponies live's are unpresidented without sounding insensitive. Like I want him to understand it, to watch it, to know what I mean. I don't say this lightly, I need him to see it how I do, this is the only way I understand the world, through parables and metaphors. We are pinkiedash, he is a pony and so am I, we have human flaws and fears and are linked in every universe. His loss is as grave as this episode made me feel loss was as a child. I want to connect with him on this level but I sound like a crazy person!!!

22 August - I'm losing it !!!

I am genuinely tweaking I cannot handle this I want it all to stop just for a moment just for a day make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop
Also my Pochacco plushie arrived :D

18 August - Struggling

Okay, I know I promised myself not to code or work on my site while I was doing exams... but I just need to, I need to fucking talk, to someone, to anything, to the void even. I don't know what I'm fucking doing. I feel horrible and have felt horrible and my antidepressants don't seem to be working and therapy is only in September and my body had my period but not rlly (it's so annoying my periods still fucking happen even with the IUD) and angel. I don't know what to fucking do, I'm not in the state to fight but I find myself more irritated and I can't do anything and I feel so paralyzed and exams are getting so overwhelming and work and anda nadna sndaskejf I'M FUCKING STRESSED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME !!!!!!!!! ANYBODY !!!!!!!!! SAVE ME FROM MYSELF I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

18 June - Big Week Ahead

Now I'm that finally done with my little "vacation" (1 week lmao) it's time for me to do some BIG BOY STUFF. First off, I've set up my bank acc stuff and can FINALLY have my own paypal and manage myself better (wish me luck) ehehe... Then this weekend I'm gonna be planning my practicals schedules and I'm going to be trying to network at the market at festival. I even have these little "goodie bags" for anyoen that's interested in working with me XDThen other than that it's more of the same stuff, tutors, shop stuff, art stuff etc.

12 June - Halfway there

So guess who's FINALLY back after slaving away studying for exams... this guy !!! And I'm now a legal adult too hehehe
What are my plans for my holidays? Hmmm... probably meeting up with my crush and friends again for the arts festival and... networking *shudders* I'll also probably make some more art in bulk for my anime acc to post weekly so I can have a little breathing room to relax. The shops currently open but I'm closing it in abt 2 weeks
Then I also wanna do some coding goddamnit !!! I've missed it :((( Especially when the only coding I've done is Java for a MONTH rahhh.
I definitely want to get a head start on my practical work though, if I can finish it now I literally will have hours upon hours of free time. I like my crush but it's also rlly hard dating a closeted person as a trans guy and having to be stealth... again. Atleast with my boyfriend I don't havt to be there pretending to be a girl.

23 May - Vampire Empire

I pushed my mom.
I don't know why I did it. I was so angry, I felt 14 all over again. I felt like I was screaming in class and the teachers were watching while they tormented me. I didn't hurt her, but I could've. She was holding a knife chopping onions. She kept pecking at me like my bullies did. Why was I so angry? I'm shaking why did I do that I can't do this why did I push her.
Afterwards, she knocked on my door and said my ideas were good and that we should workshop it. We were talking about my birthday party plans. Why does this always happen? Why can't I talk to her normally, why can't she talk to me normally.
She only treated me nicely after I pushed her. Why is that what it took?
Angel's out of state (not that that means anything considering I'm in fucking Africa lmao). He didn't tell me he landed safely. I had to ask his sister. He sent me a video of part of the show. I, didn't feel happy to see a message from him. For these three days I've been trying to trick my brain into registering that he's not real and won't respond unless I message. Why did he text me first. I'm so mad at him. I don't know what to do with anger, I don't know where to put it. Every emotion I've had has had a way to work through it but anger is different. I feel out of control when I'm angry. I feel not like myself. Why did him texting me make me angry. Going out of his way to message when he's seeing a life changing concert. Why is this the only time he's bothered? Why does having fun exclude me.
I don't feel important. I feel like an accessory. Like a tamagotchi that needs constant care you left in a box somewhere and take out when no ones looking. I feel like an object of shame. Of fear.Feed me or I day, love me or I day, acknowledge me or I die. I pushed my mom. I pushed her. I touched her. I don't remember when I last hugged her. I don't rememeber when I last heard her say I love you. I pushed her. I pushed her. I pushed her.

13 May - Conflict of Interests

First off... uhm.,,, HAI fghjk
Sorry for being gone so long I literally just blacked out and it had been a month ! But okok let's chat !! Okay so things have been going pretty alright, minus all my assignments and practicals as always. But the main thing I wanna talk about is the advice my therapist gave me?
So basically she wants me to not try get into a relationship or flirt with this boy I have a crush on at tutors. Her reasoning is understandable 1. My brain tends to sexualize any romantic feelings I have and distorts them making things very uncomfortable for everyone (which makes me feel a little like i'm just broken and wrong erm erm) 2. she doesn't want me getting into a relationship in case it causes a lot of conflicts when my main goal right now is to survive and pass my matric year. AND I GET THAT !!!..... but....
I feel like it discredits my ability to handle myself with someone I like (and I mean I have a pretty bad track record lmao) and my ability to know if I can say no and or not engage with sexual/romantic situations. I know what I want and am my own person. Is this overall smarter to stay out of (new, ily angie) relationships? yes. But I also don't want it to hinder me like... living my life. He seems to like me, to what extent ? I don't know !!! and that's okay, I don't mind just riding out this wave and finding out along the way. I value what my therapist says TREMENDOUSLY, but I also think I've shown a lot of growth in my ability to take what she says into consideration, and forge my own path forward from that.
OK TIME TO RAMBLE ABOUT MY DAY LMAOOOOO
ok so my dad fucking FORGOT me at tutors ???? bro literally forgot i was here. It was fine he realized and felt super bad when my tutor called him XD
it gave me a little extra time to chat with Nic (crush) though so I don't really mind :p he showed me a cool pendant with two wolves on it (because of course he did ghjk) and also I wore a cute outfit and nobody complimented me :(((( smh !!! ok that's all

30 Apr - Things are going good !?

Ok first off. How the FUCK is it May tmr ?????? Second off, things have actually been going so good for me X3 !!! My sockies are coming in the mail, and my keychains should be here too !!

And me and cute boy have rlly been hitting it off heeheee... We talked about werewolves n cuddling n stuff last night over text it was so awesome... AND THEN I GET TO SEE HIM ON WEDNESDAYYY
Angel's also been so needy n clingy aaaa. Goddddddd >_>

23 Apr - Boysilly Boycrazy Boyfucky

God I haven't been flustered over a boy in ages.... This guy aaaaaaaa he's so pretty and cute and I wanna erm uhm uhh. I'm trying to be normal but I am very ABNORMAL !!!!!!!! also my boyfriend tooo aaa angie ur so cute fuck rahhh aaa hhahahdaksdahdasdsjksfh I want to pamper them n make them pretty and kiss them and pet their head and cuddle and hold hands n shajshdakjhadjfka. boysssss bOYS !!!!!!!! This isn't even an interesting blog i'm just a huge faggot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

20 Apr - The death of individuality in an era of hyperindividuality

I went to go look at some lovely site layouts on pinterest and I noticed a common theme between all of them. I've also noticed when looking at carrd layouts as well. Everyone keeps wanting to copy eachother..?
Under so many posts will have questions like "template?" "tutorial?" "how did you make this?" "code?" etc. They all desire to copy eachother instead of wanting to code their own sites >:(
The reason it upsets me so much is because it takes the ideology behind making your own site/sites in the first place and waters it down to an aesthetics only movement. I have no issue with creating a site just to look pretty (heck, that's half the fun!) but making a site that's just a barebones copy of someone else's hardwork or that same thing you could make on square space or carrd makes me really sad :(
I want people to enjoy the act of being creative, to try things and fail (for example it took me so long to do the little divider code on here with multiple images and flex-container madness), to workshop, to collaborate and to make something than can truly reflect themselves, or even just to work hard and make something pretty !! So many neocities sites are coded by hand or are HEAVILY edited templates, there's a joy in seeing no two sites look alike. In an age where everyone is looking out for themselves alone, you'd think people would want to take the effort in reclaiming the net and having fun on our own little sites again !!

18 Apr - I DID IT !!!!

I DID IT I ACTUALLY DID IT !!!!1!! Ok so yesterday I did my tutors n stuffff and I asked the guy for his name >w> !!! He told me it and then later we uhm, we kept making eye contact aaaaa !!!! When we were gonna head out we had a convo about our subjects and what we struggle with in maths (THAT I INITIATED) TEEHEE !!!!! I'm soooo happy :333 he even knew which car I take to get home erm erm stalker much XD? but ye dats all :P YIPPEEE (also I finished the cheesecake today mmmm yummy)

16 Apr - A loner's day out

So today (these past two weeks) have been pretty big for a lil fella like me ^w^
I started my new tutor last week (or the last 2 weeks im stuped) and it's been awesome !!! There's a cute boy 0___0 !!!! I've been working on my silly little practical work for school (EVEN THO I WANNA DRAW AND BE SILLY ;-;). My therapist said it'll be good for me to try turn that cute boy into a cute boy-friend ! (as in male friend not boyfriend yet my anxiety could never uwu) It's been a loooong while since I've made a friend all by myself so I'm really nervous :( but i'll try my best !!!!!!!!! ALso i made cheesecake today YIPPEEEE i get to eat it tmrrrrr :33333
that's all !!!!! bye !!!

21 Mar - You will live your life, a picture that can't include me.

In early to mid-2023 My association is when you're home, reserved, and not living life to the fullest. To live you life you leave your home, the only haven I have to communicate with you. Thousands of miles away i beg for a glance at the person your friends see daily. They can share photos with you, talk to you, be with you. Your life is finally being fufilled... and I am not gonna be along for the ride. Because of the simple fact of where I was born, I can see you, feel you, be in the same light or air as you. It is as if I am nothing but a world bubble on your screem, crying out to be loved.

15 Mar - My plushies aren't coming home and why I have no desire to live to the fullest anymore.

In early to mid-2023 I ordered two plushies to arrive. A Sasha plushie and a Pinkie Pie plushie. As of today neither have arrived and I've gotten a refund on my Pinkie Pie. The Sasha I'm still in refund limbo. These are nothing more than items I ordered, shipping here is hell, I should've known better that they probabky wouldn't get here. That's not what hurts about it. I ordered my Pinkie Pie while in an extremely terrible state mentally after the recent event of my boyfriend breaking up with me. It was one of two reasons I didn't kill myself that month. I wanted it to arrive... I needed it to arrive. The Sasha was different. My boyfriend had encouraged me to actively save up for an item to get instead of getting stuff with money I was okay with losing. Having motivation to see a bigger future for myself and get something that had meaning. These two items bring so much pain to think of now.
I find it hard to reason with myself why any purchase, or attempt at greater things are worth it. Jumping off my last post, it all comes back to what I was born into, the cards I was dealt. I can't justify that it'll be any different. This is just the way it is. My plushies aren't coming home and I have no desire to live to the fullest anymore.
All I can motivate myself to do is exist.

15 Mar - Jealousy, Distance, and managing levels of privelage in long distance relationships

As the Governmental situation in South Africa grows worse and worse, I find myself becoming more envious of the opportunities given to my boyfriend in the states. This anger and emotion is difficult to place. I want to be happy for him but I also find myself held back by the levels of jealousy that come from the different circumstances we were born into. Entirely out of both of our control.
The fact I was sick and also overworking myself on a practical assignment of mine also doesn't help with these complex emotions. My autism makes it so difficult to handle and analyse complex emotions. Labels on emotions feel hard to grasp and maintain.
I feel guilty explaining this to my boyfriend himself, but lately I've been hesitant on talking about my grievences with my online friends. My irl friends are nice to confide in but I also don't think they could fully understand what these emotions and circumstances feel like. I feel lost in this emotion trying not to let it fester. I think what's most frustrating about it, is the fact that because of where I was born, I may never get to see these opportunities. Meanwhile until very recently my boyfriend was hesitant to live life and appreciate all the chances he's given in the world. I can't just go to conventions whenever, find like minded friends irl, not have to pay remote shipping fees, see artists who I dream of seeing. All because of the cards I was dealt at birth. It's so infuriating, it hurts to see others get what I want so easily, or worse, not go for something I will never be able to do or achieve because of *their* personal reservations. And there truly isn't a way to fully remedy or accept these feelings as their birthed by circumstance.
As a good distraction tactic I've been playing Nonogram Galaxy on my phone lol. Keeping my mind away from harmful thoughts feels more difficult the longer my boyfriend is away but it's only later at night.
I think overall this is actually healthy for me to address and be introspective on, it'll also help me get more comfortable with non-responsive stints as my boyfriend is quite busy. My obsessive and depedant nature is so difficult to address without spiraling.