Rambles and Silliness

30 Apr - Things are going good !?

Ok first off. How the FUCK is it May tmr ?????? Second off, things have actually been going so good for me X3 !!! My sockies are coming in the mail, and my keychains should be here too !!

And me and cute boy have rlly been hitting it off heeheee... We talked about werewolves n cuddling n stuff last night over text it was so awesome... AND THEN I GET TO SEE HIM ON WEDNESDAYYY
Angel's also been so needy n clingy aaaa. Goddddddd >_>

23 Apr - Boysilly Boycrazy Boyfucky

God I haven't been flustered over a boy in ages.... This guy aaaaaaaa he's so pretty and cute and I wanna erm uhm uhh. I'm trying to be normal but I am very ABNORMAL !!!!!!!! also my boyfriend tooo aaa angie ur so cute fuck rahhh aaa hhahahdaksdahdasdsjksfh I want to pamper them n make them pretty and kiss them and pet their head and cuddle and hold hands n shajshdakjhadjfka. boysssss bOYS !!!!!!!! This isn't even an interesting blog i'm just a huge faggot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

20 Apr - The death of individuality in an era of hyperindividuality

I went to go look at some lovely site layouts on pinterest and I noticed a common theme between all of them. I've also noticed when looking at carrd layouts as well. Everyone keeps wanting to copy eachother..?
Under so many posts will have questions like "template?" "tutorial?" "how did you make this?" "code?" etc. They all desire to copy eachother instead of wanting to code their own sites >:(
The reason it upsets me so much is because it takes the ideology behind making your own site/sites in the first place and waters it down to an aesthetics only movement. I have no issue with creating a site just to look pretty (heck, that's half the fun!) but making a site that's just a barebones copy of someone else's hardwork or that same thing you could make on square space or carrd makes me really sad :(
I want people to enjoy the act of being creative, to try things and fail (for example it took me so long to do the little divider code on here with multiple images and flex-container madness), to workshop, to collaborate and to make something than can truly reflect themselves, or even just to work hard and make something pretty !! So many neocities sites are coded by hand or are HEAVILY edited templates, there's a joy in seeing no two sites look alike. In an age where everyone is looking out for themselves alone, you'd think people would want to take the effort in reclaiming the net and having fun on our own little sites again !!

18 Apr - I DID IT !!!!

I DID IT I ACTUALLY DID IT !!!!1!! Ok so yesterday I did my tutors n stuffff and I asked the guy for his name >w> !!! He told me it and then later we uhm, we kept making eye contact aaaaa !!!! When we were gonna head out we had a convo about our subjects and what we struggle with in maths (THAT I INITIATED) TEEHEE !!!!! I'm soooo happy :333 he even knew which car I take to get home erm erm stalker much XD? but ye dats all :P YIPPEEE (also I finished the cheesecake today mmmm yummy)

16 Apr - A loner's day out

So today (these past two weeks) have been pretty big for a lil fella like me ^w^
I started my new tutor last week (or the last 2 weeks im stuped) and it's been awesome !!! There's a cute boy 0___0 !!!! I've been working on my silly little practical work for school (EVEN THO I WANNA DRAW AND BE SILLY ;-;). My therapist said it'll be good for me to try turn that cute boy into a cute boy-friend ! (as in male friend not boyfriend yet my anxiety could never uwu) It's been a loooong while since I've made a friend all by myself so I'm really nervous :( but i'll try my best !!!!!!!!! ALso i made cheesecake today YIPPEEEE i get to eat it tmrrrrr :33333
that's all !!!!! bye !!!

21 Mar - You will live your life, a picture that can't include me.

In early to mid-2023 My association is when you're home, reserved, and not living life to the fullest. To live you life you leave your home, the only haven I have to communicate with you. Thousands of miles away i beg for a glance at the person your friends see daily. They can share photos with you, talk to you, be with you. Your life is finally being fufilled... and I am not gonna be along for the ride. Because of the simple fact of where I was born, I can see you, feel you, be in the same light or air as you. It is as if I am nothing but a world bubble on your screem, crying out to be loved.

15 Mar - My plushies aren't coming home and why I have no desire to live to the fullest anymore.

In early to mid-2023 I ordered two plushies to arrive. A Sasha plushie and a Pinkie Pie plushie. As of today neither have arrived and I've gotten a refund on my Pinkie Pie. The Sasha I'm still in refund limbo. These are nothing more than items I ordered, shipping here is hell, I should've known better that they probabky wouldn't get here. That's not what hurts about it. I ordered my Pinkie Pie while in an extremely terrible state mentally after the recent event of my boyfriend breaking up with me. It was one of two reasons I didn't kill myself that month. I wanted it to arrive... I needed it to arrive. The Sasha was different. My boyfriend had encouraged me to actively save up for an item to get instead of getting stuff with money I was okay with losing. Having motivation to see a bigger future for myself and get something that had meaning. These two items bring so much pain to think of now.
I find it hard to reason with myself why any purchase, or attempt at greater things are worth it. Jumping off my last post, it all comes back to what I was born into, the cards I was dealt. I can't justify that it'll be any different. This is just the way it is. My plushies aren't coming home and I have no desire to live to the fullest anymore.
All I can motivate myself to do is exist.

15 Mar - Jealousy, Distance, and managing levels of privelage in long distance relationships

As the Governmental situation in South Africa grows worse and worse, I find myself becoming more envious of the opportunities given to my boyfriend in the states. This anger and emotion is difficult to place. I want to be happy for him but I also find myself held back by the levels of jealousy that come from the different circumstances we were born into. Entirely out of both of our control.
The fact I was sick and also overworking myself on a practical assignment of mine also doesn't help with these complex emotions. My autism makes it so difficult to handle and analyse complex emotions. Labels on emotions feel hard to grasp and maintain.
I feel guilty explaining this to my boyfriend himself, but lately I've been hesitant on talking about my grievences with my online friends. My irl friends are nice to confide in but I also don't think they could fully understand what these emotions and circumstances feel like. I feel lost in this emotion trying not to let it fester. I think what's most frustrating about it, is the fact that because of where I was born, I may never get to see these opportunities. Meanwhile until very recently my boyfriend was hesitant to live life and appreciate all the chances he's given in the world. I can't just go to conventions whenever, find like minded friends irl, not have to pay remote shipping fees, see artists who I dream of seeing. All because of the cards I was dealt at birth. It's so infuriating, it hurts to see others get what I want so easily, or worse, not go for something I will never be able to do or achieve because of *their* personal reservations. And there truly isn't a way to fully remedy or accept these feelings as their birthed by circumstance.
As a good distraction tactic I've been playing Nonogram Galaxy on my phone lol. Keeping my mind away from harmful thoughts feels more difficult the longer my boyfriend is away but it's only later at night.
I think overall this is actually healthy for me to address and be introspective on, it'll also help me get more comfortable with non-responsive stints as my boyfriend is quite busy. My obsessive and depedant nature is so difficult to address without spiraling.